My dental hygienist is always giving me crap for not flossing well enough. Every time she’s scraping away with her instruments, she’ll comment that my gums are bleeding and that I should be making a better effort to floss. Well Debbie, did it ever occur to you that I might be bleeding because you’re tickling…
Month: February 2003
Poor Jiminy
Would you call me twisted if I told you that I sing “When You Wish Upon a Star” every time I feed my frog a cricket?
A Happy Ending?
It took some searching, but I finally found her. That’s one less regret I have to worry about in life. Whether this will lead to a renewed friendship, nobody can know for sure. But at the very least, I’ve been given my second chance, and I’m thankful for that much.
Dearest Wendy,
I met her at a high school mixer at the age of sixteen. She was far too shy to approach me herself, so her friends stepped in (ignoring her pleas to let it be) and asked if I’d dance with her. I accepted, and they introduced me to Wendy. She was soft-spoken, yet insightful—sweet, but…
Despite It All
The human skull is s a sight to behold, with its hollowed eyes and the curious arrangement of teeth that lock it into a perpetual grin. When most people see a skull, their thoughts immediately turn to death and to an intangible feeling of loss. But whenever I see one, I feel a renewed sense…
No More Poetry
A few minutes before my audit class began, I heard, above the chattering classroom banter, one of my female classmates proudly exclaim, “I hate poetry.” I glanced over once she said it, saw her sincere little grin, and I could tell she really meant it. It’s moments like this one that remind me why I…
The Truest Things I Heard All Weekend
“What if you fell in love with a girl, but later you found out that she was really a guy? Could you stay in love with the person while knowing that? Probably not. And you know what that says about love? It’s bullshit.” (said to a table of four) “You know what we should do?…
Don’t I Know You?
Today, during a conversation with my classmate, Juan, I discovered that he and I met a while back through a mutual friend named Mike Chang. Juan seemed so sure of his story, and he insisted so convincingly, that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’d never met this Mike Chang. It’s no…
Possum Attack
There’s a possum loose in my backyard. Normally I wouldn’t really stress about that kind of thing; but lately, the pest has really been getting to me. It sucks having to clean up the messes it makes. It raids my trashcans and smears everything across the ground—and scooping up its droppings isn’t all that fun…
Moral Continuity
Jack: If a guy ever attempts to turn your attention to his exposed scrotum, you should kick him… and kick him hard. There’s no excuse for that.Kevin: what if it’s a chick with exposed breasts?Jack: Then you express your sincere gratitude and do your thing.Kevin: ah yes, the double standardJack: No, it’s not a double…