\Recently, I had the good fortune of being shepherded by a brother in Christ while I was browsing in a bookstore. By “good fortune” I mean to say that I have the worst luck ever, and by “brother in Christ” I’m referring to a pushy, self-righteous evangelist in his mid thirties who throws around the…
There are few moments in life that feel more surreal and socially awkward than those times when you’re forced to ignore the effusive confessions of a woman in love because all you want to do is purchase a carton of eggs. If you think yourself incapable of this level of indifference, then consider how many…
Define salvation. The mind immediately grasps for explanations of the metaphysical, recollections of the mystical, wisps of stardust and Divine refuse, ethereal trails of holy time, thoughts, visions, majestic myths. The Divine. We all have some joker in the sky to blame for our joys and our woes, existence of flesh, the theoretical residence of…
Stories never begin with “Once upon a time” anymore. I imagine there must have been a time when “Once upon a time” was the noblest salutation a storyteller could say to preface his tales. No longer, I guess. Compulsion urges us for constant change — and so we bend a little each time so that…
After embarking on a four-month odyssey that began in the suburbs of Akron, Ohio, and which ended atop the highest peaks of the Nepali Himalayas, I can confirm that Diet Dr. Pepper does, in fact, taste more like Dr. Pepper than regular Dr. Pepper. How they pulled this off, the constituents of our generation may…
I’ve never been fond of final goodbyes. Everybody always insists on brightening their parting words with lofty optimism and half-hearted promises. It’s a ritualized dance of mutually understood pretense that facilitates graceful exits. To acknowledge the truth is to create opportunities for awkward guilt and self-reflection. And so we lie to our departing friends, and…
GOD: It always comes back to that, doesn’t it? Whose beliefs are the truest, whose practices are the most pious, and most of all, whose version of God is the most accurate? My answer to you can only be this: as in all other things relating to humanity, there is a common thread that unites…
You know you spend too much time on the internet when you make a mistake at work, and you spend the rest of the day dreading that your boss will descend upon your desk and scream, “What the hell, you fucking n00b?” I shit you not. Those are the kinds of thoughts that I’m forced…
Lack of creation does not necessarily indicate a lack of inspiration. Silence sucks, I know. But don’t you think for a second that KZ went and fell off. Please continue to believe, however, that KZ is a total asshole for not taking the time to read the meticulous updates on all of your respective blogs,…
My apologies for not establishing a stronger online presence this summer. I’ve been going through a large transitional period (to say the least). But I’m back now, and I’m happy to report that I haven’t run out of ideas yet. But more importantly, I wanted to let you all know that I finally have a…