Excessive Perspective

It seems like these days, whenever I attempt to kvetch and vent about the little things that annoy me at my workplace, some smarmy contrarian will always chime in by saying, “Well, just be thankful you have a job in today’s economy.” Thanks for that, asshole. I’m very much aware that the American economic landscape has been in dire straits as of late. I know I’m fortunate to have a job while so many others out there are struggling just to survive. I suppose when you approach the world with a little perspective, you quickly realize how much worse things could actually be, and your trifling little problems suddenly seem foolish, and trivial by comparison.

But where do we draw the line on this humbling perspective? If every grievance we experienced in life could be brushed off as a silly First World Problem resulting from an excess of comfort and privilege, then we would seemingly never have a legitimate reason to complain. What justification would we have to gripe about work when there are people on the job market who have been out of work for more than two years? For that matter, there are many people out there who are simply homeless and starving. How could we even dare to sweat the little things in life when we live in a world full of violence, war crimes, and mass graves full of forgotten, disposable people? The world is rife with terrible tragedy, so perhaps we should focus our energy on nothing else but the pressing issues of humanity that truly matter.

Moving forward, until the world’s problems are solved, we should make no more room for small talk, gripes, anecdotes, or trivial laughter. Before you open your mouth to speak in this Brave New World, you ought to think to yourself, “How will what I’m about to say improve the quality of the human condition?” If you are unable to answer that question with a five-fold bulleted list, then you would be well advised to hold your tongue and refrain from self expression. The only acceptable form of interpersonal discourse is a discussion of the world’s heavier things.

Eventually, civilized society would develop into a cold, dreary vacuum devoid of meaningful human interaction and lively conversation. It would be a place full of monosyllabic grunts, and a whole lot of half-spoken sentences that would get guiltily choked to silence once the speaker realized that what he or she had to say was basically inconsequential in the face of so much human significance in the surrounding world. There would be no more complaints, or stray fits of spontaneous passion. There would be no laughter, or love songs. There would be no room for comedy, or slice of life commentary. There would be nothing but somber, unwavering focus.

Come to think of it, an excess of perspective is a terrible thing. Do you see now how much trouble you can cause when you throw around that sanctimonious, reductive, silver-lining bullshit? I know I have it easy in comparison to some people in the world, but please don’t shit on the validity of the circumstances surrounding my own human experience. I admit, in many ways, I’m probably the luckiest guy I know. But I reserve my right to gripe every now and then about life’s little things in the interest of maintaining my sanity, and my sunny, awesomely friendly, usually jovial demeanor.

Now take your “First World Problems” remarks and go “First World Fuck Yourself”, Mr. Contrarian. I’ve lost valuable bitching time during the course of this rant, and I fully intend to make up for the difference.