John Mayer for Mayor

30 Minus 2 Days of Writing (2013)
Day 10: “The Mayor”

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Sometime in the early 2000s, back when singer-songwriter John Mayer first started to gain commercial success on the American music scene, a good friend of mine confided in me to explain why she disliked John Mayer. “I don’t hate his music or anything.” she told me. “His songs are all right, and he’s actually not a bad musician. It’s just that, well — he creeps me out. He eats babies.”

I pressed my friend for further explanation, but that’s really all she had to say about the matter. “John Mayer eats babies.”

I walked away from this conversation baffled and unsure of what to think. What was wrong with John Mayer? I actually liked the guy. I even owned a few of his albums. I understood perfectly well back then that musical likes and dislikes were purely a matter of personal preference, and I was sure that there were all sorts of legitimate reasons why a person would dislike John Mayer. But of all the criticisms my friend could have lobbed at the guy, “creepy baby eater” just struck me as unfair. What was that about, anyway? Was my friend trying to be funny? Was she being disingenuous about John Mayer being a competent musician? I just didn’t get it.

Then I saw one of John Mayer’s earliest performances on network television, and I started to understand.

That dude makes the ugliest faces when he sings live. I bet he does the same thing when he records all of his songs, too. Imagine John Mayer grimacing into the microphone like a terrified victim from that 2002 horror movie re-make, The Ring, all the while recording “Your Body is a Wonderland”. It sort of undercuts the tender romance of the song, doesn’t it?

Well, actually, I guess you don’t need to use your imagination. I’m fairly sure the original studio recording looked something like this.

That’s a baby eater’s face if I ever saw one.

In the past few years, John Mayer has taken some heat for running his mouth without listening to his internal filter. He’s made some unsavory comments about his ex-girlfriends, and once he even let slip the N-word during an interview in a misguided attempt to be hip. There are all sorts of legitimate reasons why people hate on the guy, but I’m still a fan — albeit a cautious one. I will continue to listen to John Mayer’s music and purchase his albums, but I plan to keep an eye on him from now on, because a part of me suspects that he’s up to no good.

You will definitely know that something is running afoul if you ever see John Mayer running for the public office of City Mayor. Just imagine the political yard signs: “John Mayer for Mayor”. The slogan practically writes itself. As a candidate for Mayor, he’d be an unstoppable juggernaut of pop culture popularity, and lovable, straight-talk-inspired gaffes. It would all be a perfect cover for John Mayer to sweep into public office and to initiate the diabolical, “Operation: Baby Eater”. God help us all if that day were to ever come. He’s going after the fat ones first. It’s always the fat ones first.

Lessons of the Day:

Some of John Mayer’s songs are dopey, and embarrassingly saccharine, but he’s still legit.

John Mayer makes silly faces when he sings.

John Mayer eats babies. This is a 100% confirmed fact.

John Mayer doesn’t really eat babies. (Please don’t sue me for defamation, John Mayer.)

Blog content really suffers when you’re supplied a bogus writing prompt.

Watch yourself, John Mayer. I’ve got my eye on you.

30 Minus 2 Days of Writing (2013)
A painful exercise in forced inspiration brought to you by
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