This Is Real Life

I feel an odd sense of peace, and I wonder how long it will last. I feel determined to write, intent on creation, and hopeful and even slightly unconcerned about the future. That’s not to say that I’m blindly casting my fate to the wind, nor have I totally abandoned the idea of looking for a “real” job and ending my streak of scrubby laziness. But see, that’s the thing. Some people may view these past two months of mine of relative inactivity as slothful procrastination. I see this time as a period of growth. This is the time to do what I’ve always wanted to. It’s quite a change from what I’m used to.

There’s an old saying often attributed to Mark Twain that states, “I never let my schooling interfere with my education.” I’ve always liked that quotation, and I’ve tried to model my life around it, but I never was any good at following Twain’s advice. Over the past four years of college, I’d been so wrapped up in deadlines, pointless papers, and tests, that I often lost sight of…well, everything. All of the stories and poetry that I felt like writing were put off so that I could focus on writing papers on such fascinating topics as the California energy crisis, the economic history of oil, the internal financial controls of DPR Construction, and an in-depth analysis of Costco’s financial statements. Most of the books that I wanted to read were shelved since there was plenty to read about the intricacies of counting money. All of the things that I actually wanted to learn about were pushed aside since I needed all the study time that I could get. I was never any good at multitasking, and I paid for it many times over. I tried, Mr. Twain. Really, I did. But schooling ain’t cheap.

Anyway, it’s been two months since graduation, and where am I now? The same dead-end job as a sales associate in a retail store. I feel kind of embarrassed when I tell people that, since most of my other classmates are already out toiling in the real world, worrying over deadlines and reports and clients. But when I stop to think about it, I realize that if I were to jump into that game at this stage in my life, I’d only be setting myself up for a lifetime of stress and unhappiness. There’s more to life than this shit, isn’t there? I intend to find out, anyway.

So maybe I ought to be freaking out about the LSAT in October, or about the fact that my effectively unemployed ass is starting to grow stagnant on the job market. But I’m not. I believe in something, and I hope that something believes in me as well. I’m not forfeiting responsibility to blind faith, mind you. I’d never do that. Rather, I’m proposing to Life all of my intentions and wishes, all the while bearing no expectations about specific outcomes. Come what may, I’ll insist on being happy, on being the person that I want to be. I feel an odd sense of peace, and I’m not entirely sure why. I just hope it lasts.