KZ’s Very Un-Merry List of Christmas Music Complaints

I’d like to think of myself as a happy guy, but I do have to admit that I can occasionally be something of a Grinch. I did once say in a previous blog entry, “Santa Claus can go F himself in the A“. He still can, by the way. So maybe I am a Grinch. But you ought to know that this Grinch’s small heart has grown three sizes after hearing a chorus of earnest Whos singing in unison to welcome the Holiday season.

That’s right, kids, it’s Christmas time — and I’ve been enjoying my fair share of Holiday music all December long like the big corny sap that I am. Each morning, I tune my car radio to the local light rock FM station where they’ve changed their entire playlist to the Christmas format for the rest of the year. During the day, I stream Christmas music on my office computer to help me pass the time while I’m at work. Right now as I’m sitting down to write this blog entry, I’m listening to Christmas music on my trusty Panasonic RX-DS620. Suffice it to say, I love me some Yuletide tunes. But it wasn’t my intention to just come here and gush today without at least a little kvetching and second guessing. For the past couple years, I’ve been meaning to write up a list of all the little things that have been bothering me about a variety of Christmas songs. For one reason or another (mostly laziness), I’ve never gotten around to writing that post. This year, though, my inner Grinch can no longer be denied.

So without further ado, I present to you my Grinchiest and most nitpicky gripes about some of the most beloved songs of the Holiday season.

• “The Little Drummer Boy”

  Songs just don’t get much more tedious than this. The melody is dull, the tempo is slow and plodding, and nearly every line of the song is punctuated with that ridiculous phrase, “pa rum pum pum pum”. Aside from the fact that “pa rum pum pum pum” sounds corny as hell, the slavish repetition of that onomatopoeia effectively makes the song twice as long as it needs to be.

  

  Okay, kid, we get it, you’re a drummer. Now please stop relying on your drum as a social crutch. I enjoy a phat Bethlehem beat as much as the next census participant, but I don’t have all day to listen to this shit. Just put the instrument down, tell your story without constantly interrupting yourself, and then we can all get back to living our lives a little bit sooner. And by the way, kid, who told you it was a good idea to play a loud percussive instrument in the presence of a newborn infant inside a stable full of excitable animals? What’s the matter with you? Were you raised in a barn or something? No offense, baby Jesus.

• “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”

  
  I wrote about Rudolph in one of my earliest blog entries back in 2002. I argued then, as I still do today, that the resolution to Rudolph’s story completely misses the mark. Rudolph endures a lifetime of bullying, persecution, and bigotry, and only prevails in the end because he accidentally proves himself to be useful on foggy days. The only reason everybody starts to like Rudolph is because they all find a way to use him to their advantage. What kind of a crap way is that to gain acceptance?

  The song says nothing about Rudolph’s bullies getting their comeuppance. There are no apologies, and no conciliatory gestures of regret for a lifetime’s worth of reindeer game douchebaggery. Rudolph just randomly becomes one of the cool kids because his friends figure out how to use him. That’s an awful conclusion to what was already a pretty sad story. There’s no doubt in my mind that Rudolph’s first big night out leading Santa’s sleigh ended with Santa Claus kicking Rudolph in the balls for getting too uppity. “Don’t think this means we like you now, asshole,” says Santa as Rudolph writhes on the ground in pain. “I’m going to the after-party now with all the normal reindeer. We’ll call you next Christmas if it gets too foggy.”

• “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

  This is another one of those tedious Christmas tunes that relies heavily on the mechanic of lyrical repetition. The song tells the story of how news of baby Jesus’ arrival spread across the land on the night that Jesus was born. The whole thing begins with some mystical force called the “Night Wind” whispering the news to a little lamb. The lamb, in turn, relays the news to a shepherd boy. The shepherd boy then informs a mighty king. Before you know it, the king is turning around and telling people everywhere that this child “will bring us goodness and light”. The song basically amounts to a glorified retelling of a game of Telephone. That’s cool, I guess. Telephone really does hold up as a spectator sport.

  But you know what really grinds my gears about this song? I will answer that question with another question: Which king are we singing about? Around the time when Jesus was born, Herod the Great was the Roman client king of Judea, accounting for his more popular moniker, “King of the Jews”. In the New Testament, the second chapter of Matthew explains that Herod feels threatened upon hearing news that people are referring to some newborn baby as “the one who has been born King of the Jews”. Herod attempts to fool the three wise men from Jerusalem into revealing Jesus’ location in an effort to kill the would-be usurper — and he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling angels! Upon learning that his baby assassination plot has failed, Herod flips out and gives an order to kill all baby boys within the general vicinity of Bethlehem. Jesus’ family was forced to flee to Egypt and to remain in hiding until Herod’s death.

  So, just out of curiosity, at what point in the midst of all this infanticide and tyrannical persecution did Herod find the time to tell people that Jesus would bring about “goodness and light”? I hear what you hear, all right. It sounds like bullshit repeated twice to force a rhyme.

  It sounds like bullshit repeated twice to force a rhyme.

• “Mary Did You Know?”

  Since we’re getting all biblical up in here, maybe it’s time to talk about “Mary Did You Know?”. This is a relatively newer Christmas song which debuted on American radio in the 1990s, so you’d be forgiven if you’re not familiar with this one. The lyrics are a series of questions addressed to Mary, the mother of Jesus. There is a largely rhetorical quality to the lyrics, because all of the questions are phrased in a way that reverently praise Jesus’ name.

  Mary, did you know
  that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?

  Mary, did you know
  that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?

  Did you know,
  that your baby boy is heaven’s perfect lamb?
  This sleeping child you’re holding, is the great I AM.

  

  Please just give it a rest, man. Mary knew. This is hardly new information. She knew about it before Jesus was born, and she certainly knew about it well before you ever did.

  Have you ever heard of the Annunciation? That’s when the angel Gabriel visited Mary to announce the Immaculate Conception. There was a bright light, lots of pretty words were said, and Mary was duly put on notice about her soon-to-be-son being the coolest guy on the planet. Mary most certainly knew, so why don’t you just stop pestering the poor lady? Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s totally cool that you have so many nice things to say about Jesus. I’m all for praising your Savior if you believe in that kind of thing. All I’m saying is, maybe you should try reading some Scripture first, and then you would have the tools to write a less irritating song.

• “Santa Baby”

  I am hardly a prude, but this song just strikes me as highly inappropriate, especially when it’s incorporated into a playlist full of songs that are either wholesomely happy or religiously reverent. It’s as if somebody sneaked in a copy of NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton” onto a child’s mix tape between “Old MacDonald” and “(Yes) Jesus Loves Me”.

  “Santa Baby” is a sultry-voiced seduction song written for a female vocalist in mind. To be more precise, the song is a materialistic anthem for soulless, gold digging women with a highly inflated sense of entitlement.

  

  Throughout the song, the singer lists off eight simple gifts she would really love to receive for Christmas. Listed in the order in which they are mentioned, these gifts are the following:

  1. Sable (a fur coat)
  2. ’54 Convertible (light blue)
  3. Yacht
  4. Deed to a platinum mine (seriously, WTF?)
  5. Duplex
  6. (Bank) Checks
  7. Christmas tree ornaments from Tiffany’s
  8. Ring (also presumably from Tiffany’s)

  
  
  Lady, you can list those gifts in as sexy a voice as you like, but you’re seriously failing to charm me right now. To be honest, I find you and this song kind of icky. Maybe you should try lowering your expectations a bit, because you’ve succeeded in lowering mine. Also, let’s talk about that one line of yours about the chimney. You know which line I’m talking about.

  “And hurry down the chimney tonight.”

  That’s easily the least subtle, most thinly veiled sexual innuendo I’ve ever heard from a song written in the 1950s. Once again: Icky. Most other times of the year, I would fully endorse a thinly veiled … well, never mind. Why don’t we keep things classy for the Holidays?

There’s a whole lot more I could say about a good number of songs, but I think that’s about as much snark as I can get away with for this Christmas season. Maybe I’ll write up a Part Two for this list sometime next year. Until then, kids, have yourselves a very Merry Christmas with only the faintest trace of humbug to accent your good cheer.