One of my favorite stand-up comedians, Emo Philips, tells a relatively benign joke that kind of creeps me out whenever I think about it: “I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.” The connection between the brain, consciousness, and human…
Category: Observations
A Rant About Fox’s 24 by Keith Zahn
I won’t bore you with the many reasons why I believe the Fox television series 24 has degenerated over the years from a compelling action drama based on an interesting premise into a cartoon-like, farcical melodrama that parodies itself. No show is perfect. The fact is, for all of its ridiculous faults, I’m still a…
The Unnecessary…Ellipsis
While roaming the streets of coastal Bay Area town one weekend, I spotted a delivery van for a seafood distribution company with a particularly terrible marketing slogan painted on its side: “Our Quality…is Your Reputation” Ugh. Grammatically speaking, the ellipsis (those triple dots, “…”) can be used to either insert a pause into a statement,…
The Unpleasantness of Pleasantries
Frankly, I don’t care how you’re doing. I know the feeling is mutual. Why does every conversation have to begin with the inane ritual of each party asking the other how they are doing? It’s a question that we ask to establish some phony sense of rapport, but we all know it’s meaningless and…
The Evolutionary Shaft
Who do you suppose it was in history who first looked at a horse and thought to himself: “Hey, that animal’s strength, size, and general demeanor would make that creature the perfect beast of burden.”? “Just look at it!” this opportunist must have said to himself. “That animal’s back is perfectly contoured to form a…
There’s a City Full of Walls You Can Post Complaints At
“One day, when I was quite young,” my friend Wendy once wrote, “I saw a graffittied stop sign saying, ‘stop thewar,’ and I spent two days trying to figure out what thew ar was.” Wendy’s recollection has always reminded me of a story of my own. One day at the age of thirteen, I was…
Bee My Queen, Honey Bird
I’ve never understood why so many people choose to euphemize sex by referring to it as “the birds and the bees.” Due to common usage, we all know what it means when somebody invokes that phrase. But standing alone on its own merits, the “the birds and the bees” is an embarrassingly ill-constructed analogy. What…
Recent Realizations
The word “freedom” doesn’t sound as credible as it ought to when it’s pronounced with a Texas accent. Even when you suspect that the party on the other end of the telephone is an automated recording, you shouldn’t go into “back-talking, sarcastic asshole” mode and interject with obscenities until you’re absolutely sure it’s a recording….
Boy, Are My Legs Tired
It’s happened to all of us at least some point in our lives: You reenter a room after visiting the restroom, and you find some guy in your seat. When you politely ask to reclaim your chair, the guy stands up, claps you on the arm, and says, “Here ya go, buddy. Just keeping it…
On Bad Legal Writing
Z, K., Law Student. I, Kevin Z, a law student, am writing this statement at 12:30pm on the fourteenth of October 2004. Did I mention that I’m sitting on my behind? Well, to ease your mind, you ought to know that I am indeed sitting on said body part, hitherto referred to as “behind,” and…