I don’t understand why so many parents insist on taking their infant children out to theaters to watch grownup movies. Parents who attempt to lead normal lives while simultaneously caring for their babies are doomed to fail miserably. If you’re responsible for a an infant child, and you have no way of finding a babysitter, common courtesy dictates that you have forfeited your movie-going rights. I don’t want to hear bawling infants while I’m trying to listen to a poignant monologue. I don’t want to deal with shrieking, energetic children running up and down the aisles when the film reaches its climax. And I especially don’t want to deal with tactless parents who think they’re doing the movie-viewing audience a favor by scolding their children inside the theater.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to kick some serious ass. Sure, we’d all get a certain satisfaction out of beating those inconsiderate parents. But my personal brand of hatred runs deep, and it festers in increments of decades. I wish movie theaters would start tagging obnoxious children in the audiences with tracking devices that would remain active for twenty years. Enraged audience members like myself would be able to keep track of these loud-mouthed brats by means of an online database that prompts you to enter the date of the showing, the location of the theater, and the name of the movie that the child ruined for you. Ragers are obligated to wait a minimum of eight years, after which time it will be assumed that the offending child will be old enough to receive a serious ass-kicking. In eight years’ time, ragers have free reign to mess the kid up through any variety of non-lethal methods. Inducing permanent physical injury, of course, is strictly forbidden. Leaving minor emotional scarring, however, is strongly encouraged.
I understand that what I’ve laid out is an imperfect system. Nevertheless, I’m willing to launch the system with all its flaws intact if it would make parents think twice about taking their children to the movies.
The part that baffles me is I don’t really watch kids films often in theaters. It’s usually horror movies and or movies that involve the usual blood, guts and drugs and probably sex scenes in it too. So why do I have this problem of babies? I’m watching films that babies should not be taken to at all regardless if you could find a babysitter or not. I even see these films late at night or early in the morning to try to avoid those damn kids but apparently kids these days don’t have bedtimes either. So we have babies that are watching violent gory films with sex, drugs and violence at 8pm. It sure tells me a thing or two about parenting in this day.