Monday the 23rd was Diana’s birthday. Every year, she tells me not to get her flowers because she thinks they’re impractical and needlessly expensive, but I decided this year to pick her up a modest, reasonably priced bouquet.
In addition to that, I also picked up two birthday cards for Diana. Actually, to be more precise, I picked up one proper birthday card, and a little something extra to break up the monotony of the standard, “Happy Birthday, I love you” proceedings. I guess you could say I have something of an intimacy problem. That’s what my therapist tells me, anyway — which is total bullcrap, because I know for a fact that I don’t have any problems with intimacy. I also don’t have a therapist.
Anyway, if you knew anything about what I do, then you might already know that I have a track record of pissing off my girlfriend by giving her cheeky, insincere, “decoy cards” before I calm her down by presenting her the real thing. What can I say? We’re nothing but animals and savages without our traditions. This year, I was especially amused by my own efforts on Diana’s decoy birthday card, and I decided to share it with the rest of you.
Yeah, I know, I’m a jerk. Again, for the record: I did also give Diana a real birthday card with a heartfelt, handwritten message, but that’s not the kind of stuff that people come here to read. If it helps my case at all, Diana did smack me around for two minutes before I gave her the real thing. Sincerity is for suckers, am I right?
Happy Birthday, Diana! You know I love you.
.
Several years ago, my friend bought another friend two balloons for his 30th birthday: “Over the Hill” and “Get Well Soon.”
It is a shared sentiment.
.
Awwww, you’re so sweet! I’m sure she realizes that your love is a daily gift and that she should actually be buying you flowers.
Uh huh.
Happy birthday Diana! 🙂
Yeah, Fight it Diana. Fight the urge to smack KZ in the face.
I hope one year a heartfelt card is actually interpreted as one of the joke cards.