My dental hygienist is always giving me crap for not flossing well enough. Every time she’s scraping away with her instruments, she’ll comment that my gums are bleeding and that I should be making a better effort to floss. Well Debbie, did it ever occur to you that I might be bleeding because you’re tickling…
Category: Human Condition
Despite It All
The human skull is s a sight to behold, with its hollowed eyes and the curious arrangement of teeth that lock it into a perpetual grin. When most people see a skull, their thoughts immediately turn to death and to an intangible feeling of loss. But whenever I see one, I feel a renewed sense…
Smoke From All Around
I’m sick of hearing about sports fans that riot after a big game. Are people’s lives so bankrupt that they feel the need to break shit every time a major sporting event comes to an end? I don’t know what the situation was like in Tampa Bay, but I do know that, after the Super…
On Feeling Human Again
It’s been far too long since I’ve known the touch of a female’s soft embrace. I’m not talking about hugs, because I get plenty of those. And I’m not alluding to any sexual conquest, either. I miss the closeness of holding a girl and falling asleep with her by my side. Last Saturday, thanks in…
Spidey Would Approve
Just a minute ago, while cleaning my room, I came face to face with a huge daddy long legs spider that had set up camp in my closet. Whenever I see a spider, my first impulse is always to take note of its last position, hurriedly grab a tissue, and then crush the poor little…
Props, Larry
His name is Larry, but I like to call him the mad philanthropist. Every time he comes into the store, he heads to my department and clears the shelves—all in the name of charity. Last winter, I rang up his purchase of two hundred towels. This year, apparently, he’s all about comforters. When he came…
Know Thyself
Far too often at work, my coworkers say to me, “you look tired.” But let’s be honest…we all know that’s just code for, “you look like hell.” I’ve always been the kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve, but I’m kind of surprised at how easily people can read my mood and…
The Fine Line Between Sentimentalism and Nosiness
One of the highlights of working in retail during the holiday season is finding people’s discarded Christmas shopping lists. There’s something oddly exciting about coming across somebody’s folded gift list, riddled with crossed out names and gift ideas, laying in between two rows of candles on a shelf. I see it as an invitation to…
Unicorns
I just had a long and ridiculously involved debate over the existence of unicorns. Jack was on the affirmative, and I was on the negative. I got Jack to concede, but it took some doing. There’s a part of me that’s glad that practicality and common sense have prevailed, but I admit to feeling the…
Public Speaking Woes
I used to be on the debate team in high school, but these days, I can’t say anything worth listening to when I’m standing in front of an audience. It’s so frustrating having the words flow so easily when I commit my thoughts to an empty page, and yet not being able to express myself…