Just to Set the Record Straight

30 Minus 2 Days of Writing (2013)
Day 25: “Fact or Fiction”

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Fiction:

It is so knee-slappingly hilarious whenever somebody refuses to use a plastic bag because they want to “save a plastic tree”.

Fact:

Every time somebody invokes the phrase, “save a plastic tree” in an attempt to sound cute, God smites the world in retribution by burning five hundred acres of arable croplands, killing 0.025% of the Amazonian Rainforest, and assigning one of the countless hired thugs under His employ to punch twelve kittens in the face.

. . . . . . . . . .

Fiction:

Apples to Apples is an awesome board game, and a completely legitimate reason to disrupt all conversations at a party for ninety minutes in the name of organized fun.

Fact:

Apples to Apples is the worst thing to happen to human interaction since the advent of personal music players, social media websites, and smart phones. I realize that Apples to Apples was published in 1999, and it therefore preceded social media sites and smart phones, but whatever. The point still stands.

Few things suck the joy out of a room quite like a game of Apples to Apples. It’s more tedious than doing your taxes. Whenever I’m forced to play this terrible game, this is what I’ve discovered to be the strategy that works best for me.

1. Stack your hand into a mini deck of cards.
2. Get into a comfortable position that is conducive to napping
3. Always play the top card in your mini deck while half conscious.

It’s kind of like playing possum — only in this case, I kind of wish somebody would just kill me.

. . . . . . . . . .

Fiction:

Carly Rae Jepsen’s 2012 hit single “Call Me Maybe”, is the worst song ever.

Fact:

The actual worst song ever is “Summer Girls” released by LFO in 1999.

I mean seriously, have you ever listened to the words to this song? It sounds like they were written by a grade school child who was more concerned about cramming words into a slavish rhyme scheme instead of creating meaningful lyrics. Here’s a sample of the lyrical stupidity you’ll hear in the first verse of the song.

Hip-hop marmalade spic and span,
Met you one summer and it all began
You’re the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
When you take a sip, you buzz like a hornet
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

How did this crap ever get recorded, much less get distributed to international audiences? Did these guys enter a contest or something to see who could write the world’s shittiest lyrics? And if so, how many nine-year-old kids were they competing against for the number one spot? And while I consider the entire song an absolute affront to humanity at large, I take particular offense to this line from the song’s chorus:

New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick
And I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer

In the midst of all that terrible songwriting, these douchebags felt the need to levy an unmotivated attack against Chinese food? That’s the food of my people, you pricks! Fuck you, LFO, and your pedantic, sophomoric, poorly written, ear raping, vomit-inducing, runny-diarrhea music bile.

. . . . . . . . . .

Fact:

The tenor of this post was petty, crude, immature, and potentially mean-spirited in places. Nevertheless, the entirety of this post was much funnier than “plastic trees”, much more entertaining than a game of Apples to Apples, and far better written than any song in LFO’s awful discography.

30 Minus 2 Days of Writing (2013)
A painful exercise in forced inspiration brought to you by
“We Work for Cheese“