For those of you who haven’t yet heard, Diana and I got engaged back in September. People have been asking me to tell them the story about how I popped the question, but there’s really not much to tell. It was a simple proposal. I took Diana to the local pub, pulled out my bat’leth,…
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Diana Loves Me in the Mirror Universe
On Wednesday afternoon, while I was busy at work, Diana sent me a text message in order to update me on the status of our cats, Momo and Maddie. Words were said, typos resulted, one thing led to another, and by Wednesday evening, Diana learned a valuable lesson about the need to proofread her SMS messages before sending them my way.
To Gain and Lose
Life is a seamless collection of hellos and goodbyes. They stitch together the totality of our days, and they have a way of tearing us apart until nothing remains but memories, and the hollow sting of lingering regret. The start of each new day brings the promise of a thousand hellos — thousands of first…
The Answer (Conversation with God Continued)
KEVIN: God?
GOD: Yes?
KEVIN: What is the meaning of life? I want to know the truth. Please don’t feed me some horseshit answer that will only reinforce my resentment and my disdain. What the hell is the point?
Weapons of Jazz Destruction
As you might have guessed from my previous posts, I live in a neighborhood full of douchebags and assholes. Unfortunately for them, I am well versed in the ways of the asshole. Okay, that sentence came out kind of wrong. Let me try again. Unfortunately for the assholes in my neighborhood, I am well versed…
Good Night, Gentle Dreamers
I can’t sleep tonight. Maybe you could blame it on insomnia, or on the pain from my injured ankle. Or maybe you could blame it on the six-hour nap that I took when I crashed out after eating dinner. What the hell do I know? I’m not a sleep doctor. Oh well. There are far…
Visions of the Collective Breath
I lament the loss of diminishing vision, but what is it I’m supposed to be seeing? I glimpse those enticing sights feathering along the breeze, dancing at heights just beyond my reach. They brush the tips of my naked paws and taunt my rudimentary processes of thought before I can snatch them greedily within my…
Things That Probably Only Bother Me
I might have only recently turned thirty years old this year back in the month of May, but I was a crotchety old man who was confused by the world long before I grew up to become the lame, overweight, khaki-wearing accountant who stands before you today. Although I’ve never been shy about voicing my…
Bearing Witness (Conversation with God Continued)
KEVIN: All I’m saying is, miracles aren’t as spectacular as they used to be. Back then, virgins and sterile old women got pregnant; an entire sea split apart so that the Israelites could escape the Egyptians; and hell, dead people were even resurrected. That all supposedly happened over two thousand years ago. And, I might add, the only ones who were around to witness these events were the kind of people who stoned adulterers to death. Are you telling me those ignorant antiques made reliable witnesses to biblical miracles?
The Rules of Love
Thoughts of love are an inevitable thing this time of year for all of those who busy themselves with the February rituals of Valentine’s Day. I don’t mind telling you that I happen to be one of those people. There was a time not long ago when I was alone, and I longed for the day to find somebody to love — a girl whom I could call my own. I found that special somebody nearly seven years ago, and I’ve never let her go since then. What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic. I’m also something of a sap if you really want to know the truth.